Anime hammer!

My boyfriend is so cool. He bought me an Anime Hammer! It was my favorite 'weapon' in the last 'Big Eyes Small Mouth' game I played, and it's provided amusing references ever since.

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Chattacon - the adventure (part 1 Friday)

I've been attending conventions for the past thirteen years. Rivercon, Conglomeration, Marcon, ConCave, GenCon, and now Chattacon.

Steve and I went with some friends of ours, a married couple who had gone a couple of years prior. The trip down was a lot of fun, including a sign at Smithfield Farm advertising "Used Cows". Insert *several* jokes (mostly off-color) here.



We brought some movies with us, along with my laptop, and various cables and such so we could MST3K some movies if the Sci-Fi channel wasn't as obliging as it generally is. We shouldn't've worried however. "Merlin's Apprentice" was more than adequate fodder - one reviewer even called it "a horrible flaming poop-fest". I love my boyfriend - he has such a way with words :). But I'm getting ahead of myself - this post is just going to be about Friday.

There were the usual issues with convention-going that we've come to know and (ahem) 'love'. Hotel patios the size of postage stamps, and Pre-registration lines taking about an hour, hour and a half for us to get to the front of the line, only to be told we weren't in the pre-reg system. However, the last batch of pre-registrations were found and we were taken care of in the next 15 minutes.

Let me just say here, that having worked conventions before, and experiencing Murphy's wrath, that considering the length of time that this was taking, most people seemed to be dealing with it rather well, on both sides of the desk.

The next hurdle came from the badge printers. The badges were hard plastic with full artwork, "Prometheus Unbound" by Michael Bielaczyc of Aradani Studio.


The badges were sturdy, and beautiful, but apparently the printers were stuttering and it took another 30-45 minutes to get them. Time well spent in the very comfortable chairs of the hotel bar adjacent to Registration - good planning Ops! ;)

We ate at the hotel restaurant - which has a great buffet with a nice range of variety, all for $10. I'd never seen the Chattanooga Choo-Choo hotel, but I thought that the train-car rooms were cool.



Though the map we saw had the programming, dealer's room, consuite, and art show all spread out, the distance wasn't nearly as far as it seemed it would be. The map was even kind enough to mark where the Mundanes were.

And of course, after traversing 4 days of GenCon, NOTHING else seems like it's too far at a convention.

The Consuite was actually a large building with a curtain dividing the several tables for gaming, a stage area for the robot wars (not the best pairing to be honest, IMHO) and the food/drink area, also spread out over several tables. They had a few different beers, including Killians and Shiner Bock (both quite good), and they always had some kind of food there (real food - chili, hot dogs, Little Debbies). Due to State Law, there was no beer between 2am-10am, but there was soda.

The parties were creative and fun, and there were a lot of bids there, including Raleigh's for NASFIC in 2010 http://www.RaleighNASFiC2010.org.

I had the pleasure of meeting writer, editor, and one of the original Girl Gamers: Lee Martindale http://www.harphaven.net/ there, and had we not been pressed for time in heading back home, I would have been able to attend the reading of her latest sale and gotten an interview. Though I hope to contact her and arrange a phone or Skype interview soon.

There was a PJ party Friday night (which became the Willy Wonka party Saturday), but more on that next post. It had been a 6 hour drive, and though a great deal of fun, we were TIRED, and the night ended a bit early for us.

Part 2 coming soon...

I worked myself up...

...and for nothing. Well, not for nothing, because there was the awkwardness of going over the actual numbers. But there were two very enjoyable hours of reconnecting, of laughing and bitching over TV and movies, as we geeks are wont to do. Vetching about work, and just generally catching up.

At times it did feel like we were talking around certain fragile things, dancing close to a few precipices, there are still conversations that we aren't ready to have.

But that's ok, it's ok because we laughed so much, before and after the reason that we were there. It was reminiscent of things past and sorely missed.

I have hope now that things can and will be, indeed are on the way, to being mended.

We worked out something doable for everyone. No one made me feel as if I were a bad person, I can't say I don't feel guilt, but I am not buried under it.

I'm not entirely sure I should have posted what I did on my blog earlier. It's not like I was really concentrating on work, and at least I got to work some things out. A little more publicly than I usually do, but hey, it's my blog :).

Those who read the post, thanks for getting through the babble. Those who think I'm a whiny selfish brat...thanks for getting through the babble ;).

I really do hope to have more interesting things to read and share in the future. I know there should be a game review of "Bounty Head Bebop" coming soon, ideally with an accompanying review on AGC. Secret Life hasn't gone either, we're just on hiatus right now.

Time for bed now...

Carol

Stop overreacting!!!

I am scared. I have all the physical manifestations of fear. Rapid heartbeat, trembling feeling...I am afraid. Sometimes writing about it helps, so, here I go:

Now, I can be an excitable person. I *am* prone to overreaction. My boyfriend would say very prone, and while I'm annoyed at that assessment, I don't argue with it.

Case in point: on his day off he texted me to tell me to call him on my lunch hour. I immediately thought of 5 really bad things that could have precipitated that text and my heart started racing; I got that sudden falling sensation in my stomach that speeds up my back and through my shoulders, and then makes my head all tingly.

I had to call him back *right then*. He answered, and instead of 'insert-crisis-here' I get: "You could've waited until your lunch break honey, I just needed to find the letter from [his son's] school for his eye exam."

'Oh', I think, and lean against the counter in the break-kitchen at work, legs going a wee-bit wobbly from the adreniline bailing on me and going to find someone else actually *worthy* of evoking fight-or-flight in.

"You overreacted."

"You know how I get," I offer as a feeble excuse, and then tell him where the letter is.

And there lies my current problem: *I* know how I get, and yet the physical manifestation of fear and anxiety when I face a confrontation, or a problem I can't solve, or when I know that I have made someone angry...or when I've hurt someone, comes back time and again.

I know - counseling, Zoloft, that could help (and has in the past).

Right now my counselor is on medical leave and I have actually been doing pretty well with coping with problems that arise. I don't immediately turn into a quivering, crying, goo-person when the car breaks down, or we're playing "which bill can we not pay this week" so we can afford some unexpected expense (usually attached to the aforementioned car).

I had a $20,000 commission taken away from me (yes, that is the right number of zeroes) due to something beyond my control, a commission that would have made *so* many things in my life better/easier/taken care of, and I *didn't* have to get hauled off to the rubber room. (I did cry...alot...don't tell me *you* wouldn't have cried, liar!)

Yes, I was exonerated, was told that it wasn't my fault, but I can't go to the electric company and say "hey, they didn't pay me, but it's not my fault!" I can't complain too much, "not my fault" means that I still have a job...which I *am* thankful for.

And the important thing is I carried on, I wasn't paralyzed with fear and depression. I didn't give up.

I've grown as a human being. Yay me.

But here's the hard part. When I *have* fucked up, when someone gets to be disappointed in me, or angry with me, I still feel like it's the end of my world.

I haven't grown up enough.

I know the crux of it too. Growing up (without going into the whole memoir) you could roughly describe my household situation as "You're only as good as your last action".

"I got an A."
"You forgot to take out the trash, you're irresponsible."

Or:

"I did all my chores."
"You got a D, you're lazy."

Obviously there's more depth and nuance to how I was raised, and my parents are good people, and I love them. But...I have developed a bit of a complex.

Now, due to a *lot* of drama and crap that's happened in our group over the last, oh, 5-7 years or so, we're not so much "a" group as lots of smaller ones. Much like a universe contracting and expanding, earlier this year there was what one could call "A Big Bang". And, some of us *do* refer to it as "When-things-went-Boom".

As with any war, there are various interpretations of what is going on, and the further from the battlefield you are, the more your perspective changes.

I wasn't quite in the middle of the last blast (The Big One), but I was close enough to take a significant amount of emotional shrapnel. Some of my friends further away from it, and one who wasn't, staged what one could describe as an intervention. They thought I was getting into a situation that was not good for me, nor ultimately, for another person.

I didn't agree. In fact, rather than do what they suggested, I did quite the opposite. No, "quite the opposite" isn't correct, try *exactly* the opposite. Not out of spite, but because I felt I had to try, I felt that was what I needed to do to be happy.

To this day they haven't been proven right, but neither have I in their eyes. Me? I'm happy with my decision, very much so. It wasn't the easiest road, but I believe it was the best.

The problem with this kind of situation is that only time can tell - but how much time, and what evidence is accepted as "proof" is unique to the observer. So some people will never be satisfied that I made a good decision, even if it continues this way for years.

I am very sad to say that I think I lost a friend, and worse, I cost someone else that same friend. And another is a bit more distant these days. I really do earnestly hope that time will heal us all, because they are all wonderful, caring people. Most days though, I lack hope for that.

So where's the confrontation? The disappointment? Who gets to wag their finger at me? Why am I so afraid?

There were three at the intervention, which they had out of feelings of love and protection. One of them was someone very close to me, we were involved, and we had been very good friends. It just didn't work out with us as a couple. And, he had helped me out financially a great deal. Let me be *very* clear on this: A. *Great*. Deal.

I suck at finances. I'm getting better, but if ever "too little too late" applied, whoo-boy, yeah. As I said, I suck. Now, I don't buy extravagant things. I haven't bought any new clothes in probably 8-9 months, I go to the library or buy used books, I'm a coupon-clipping fiend. On our weekly shopping trip I bought 20 rolls of Cottonelle for $9.49 with coupons and I actually felt victorious...

(ok, that last part, pretty sad, I know...)

The point is: I wanted to pay him back. There was just always *something*. Another bill, the rent, the car, the new (used) car I had to get, student loans, medical bills, past (closed) credit cards with a balance, and on and on...

These are not attempts at excuses, but reasons why. There's no excuse. I should have paid him back already. I should have found a way. The commission job I have has not been paying well, I can't find a decent freelance job to save my life, and everything else has gone up. My parents are on a fixed income and cannot help. There should've been a way, but I didn't see it, or maybe I did and just didn't do it. I honestly don't know.

We're meeting tonight to discuss paying him back. He's got some new expenses (all for really good things, good reasons, he's doing really well and I'm very happy for him), and he needs the money back.

I feel tremendously guilty, and not because I can't pay him back. Well, honestly, I just don't know how much he's going to need right now, and I *may* not be able to give him all of it.

Point of terror #1. What will happen if we can't agree...

Now, it's still going to be very difficult, my boyfriend and I are trying to make some improvements that are going to cost some money to complete, it is fairly time-sensitive, and a lot of his money is currently tied up in child support and student loans. But this person isn't a monster, he's a *good* man.

I'm scared because of the judgment, because I have had conversations and confrontations in my head with almost everyone I know before the "real-life" meeting to discuss said confrontation. And the conversations in my head *always* go badly. There's crying, and yelling, and I usually deserve it.

Point of terror #2. I really am a bad person...I've caused people pain, and maybe even a friendship.

I'd love to say that writing this all out has made me feel like I don't deserve it, that I shouldn't be afraid. Or maybe I *do* deserve it, but I still shouldn't be afraid.

If you've read this and don't think I'm a horrible person who deserves the ire my mind says is coming, I'd appreciate some good mojo...

If you've read this and think I deserve to be hauled through the streets and publicly ridiculed, go ahead and comment too, I will probably not read said comments today, but no one can say I censor...

Carol

I voted today

I voted today, and I am proud of that. I am the child of an immigrant (a legal immigrant - for the past couple of years I've had to tack that on to avoid being hated on), and a woman. I also know people - good friends - people I love - who have fought for that right.

I've always been taught that it is a precious precious right that we have to vote, and it is our civic responsibility to do so. Even if you think your state is "obviously" going to go for the other party,if you vote, you can still be counted. If that party sees that they didn't get an overwhelming majority, that sends a message. Do I think that either party is 100% right or wrong? No, of course not, there are problems inherent in the two-party system, but not voting doesn't fix those problems. If you can still get to the polls and vote, please do.

Blip FM

New site - love it love it love it!!

Catching up

You can best find out about my GenCon experiences by listening to the following "All Games Considered" podcasts:

Episode 58 - GenCon Part I
Episode 59 - GenCon Part II
Episode 61 - Indie Games


Work has been up and down, more down lately. Podcasting has been a little spotty, though we've got some news on SLGG coming up. Trying to get the blog back up off the ground. Stay tuned.

GenCon 2007

I was privileged to attend all 4 days of GenCon this year - report coming soon!