A game of telephone

It's been awhile (isn't it always?) and I've had all sorts of ideas for posts in my head, just not always the time to get anything but a few lines down before something or someone interrupts, but such is life.

I didn't plan this post ahead though. I'm writing off the cuff because I have something I need to get off my chest. I wish I could say that things are going just peachy, and for the most part I really can't complain. I'm still gainfully employed, have a roof over my head, food in the pantry, internet access, you know - the basics.

I just learned a good lesson in not speaking before thinking however, and I'm still pissed about it. I should say a good hard lesson, because the ramifications are still beating me over the head. Big time.

A little background is necessary I think to explain my level of frustration with this situation.

Several years ago, I was doing a fairly good impression of a doormat. I would apologize for everything, even things I didn't do (it was a thing with me. I tended to quash any anger I felt because I felt everyone had a side to a story and it was my duty to consider all sides to be fair and non-judgmental person. To be a good person.

Well, fast forward a little and my friends are working on getting me a backbone. To help me not back down when I think I'm right, to believe it's ok to express my opinions, even if others don't agree with them, it's ok.

I'm also a firm believer in free speech, but with the caveat that when you say something, there are always consequences, and you have to be prepared for those consequences. One of the reasons I didn't like to argue with people, I preferred to discuss things. I'd grown up arguing with my Dad, playing the blame game on several things. My ex-husband was like that too. It was all about whose fault it was. I hate that. There are reasons for the things people do, and to be an adult you have to accept responsibility for your actions, but no problems can be fixed if all you do is point fingers and blame.

Fast-forward further. Much of the naive patsy is gone. I still like to think of myself as a nice person, just a little more practical and a lot more realistic than I used to be.

Now, I've got some friends going through a divorce. It isn't a nasty one thank goodness, but any divorce is going to be tough. Emotions are going to run high, snap reactions are going to be made. It just is.

Both sides have legitimate gripes, and I'm trying my damndest to stay out of it, because they are trying their damndest to keep it civil for the sake of the kids. Kind of difficult since my new roommate is one of the pair, and I work and carpool with the other one, and I lived with them for a few years after my own divorce to boot.

Yeah - no complications there...

So, bring in friend C. She works with us too, and she's very close to the ex-wife. I'm closer to the ex-husband. Friend C and I used to be the sounding boards for them when they were a couple, and we would joke that we talked about their problems more than they did.

Ha ha, quite amusing. You'll see where it gets un-funny really fucking fast...

Friend C actually had some issues with the ex-wife for a few years. I won't go into them because other than the fact that she had those issues, it's not part of this story, just goes to background and character.

Friend C would rant a bit about the ex-wife to me, said some uncomplimentary things (I'm being really nice here), and I would listen to her kvetch and let her rant. That's what friends do - right?

And of course I never told the ex-wife about what was said by Friend C. It wasn't needed, and if they were going to work things out they would, in their own time, on their own terms.

They eventually did. I was very happy that they did. They had been friends for over a decade and it was distressing to see them not get along for the time that they weren't.

Money is tight for me, that has been my biggest problem since my divorce. I freak out about it sometimes. School is out for summer, my roommate (the ex-husband) has taken some time off from his new job to watch the kids for a couple of days. He doesn't get paid for it, and he can't miss any time for the next two weeks. It's a part time job that offers benefits for the kids, and he can't and won't pass that up because he's chosen to carry them on his policy. His choice. Please note that.

So, I'm tired Thursday morning, I've had no coffee, rent is due, and I'm in a mood, and I kvetch about the situation, how there's no other sitter (do you know how hard it is to get affordable, reliable day care? If you're not worried about the price, you're concerned about who is watching your children...), and she can't take off, she's already taken time off recently, and yeah, all he's got is a part time job but at least it covers the kids. Her job is a full time job, but the family benefits are just too expensive.

I sounded bitchy, I realize this. Friend C however, who I am kvetching to in the car, doesn't say anything, but later on tells the ex-wife, in such a way that makes it sound like I'm blaming her for everything. I find this out because she was angry, was talking to her ex-husband about it - and he tells me later (I worked late that night and didn't ride home with them).

I'm mad, I'm royally pissed, and the next morning I let her have it. But the ex-wife tells me that it isn't just this - it's the last 6-months to a year,and she's really mad at me, so much so that she can't even talk to me about it. Now, that I'm kind of perplexed about. We haven't always seen eye-to-eye, but if she had an issue I would have hoped she'd've said something to me. Anyway, I hope that eventually she and I will get to talk things out.

But Friend C. Yeah, I've got a problem with her. Her response to me when I asked her why? She said that things I've said have made her "uncomfortable". When I asked her why she didn't talk to me about it - she said she was going to. My response was when - after she twisted my words and told someone else?!!

I could tell everyone we know something bad that Friend C has said about any one of them. Not that she would care, because she would just write everyone who disagrees with her off. She doesn't take responsibility for her words at all. It's always the other person's fault, she's the victim, she's the misunderstood one.

So that's where I am. Friend C once told me that she doesn't like conflict, so I'm sure that I've been written off. We're not going to calm down and talk about this. Not like me and the ex-wife, I'm pretty sure we can work things out once she's calmed down. But Friend C and I - I don't know.

We were bridesmaids at each other's weddings, we've been through a lot together, and as angry as I am, I hope that we can eventually work this out.

Anyway, it's late. I'm tired. If anyone has any suggestions, or advice - I'm willing to listen.

~C